Lessons Every Pastor Should Learn From Moral Scandals.
In 2020 there have been many prominent pastors that have had public moral failures and every time this happens I hope that EVERY pastor EVERYWHERE takes a minute for self-reflection and deep thought.
Here are a couple of my thoughts as I process these events.
Thought #1: “This could EASILY be me.”
I hope this is everyone’s first response when they hear the news break concerning any pastor who’s been exposed for having an affair or embezzling money or any other breach of trust between a pastor and congregation.
This should be our first response because it's true and the failure to acknowledge this truth is arrogant. The humility to say “I could be the person going through this” is what forces us to either create or reinforce boundaries to prevent moral failure from ever taking place. Also, when the posture of our heart is marked by humility we will then respond with compassion instead of a judgmental attitude. Judgmentalism is rooted in pride and pride precipitates moral failure. The best way to guard yourself, your marriage, and your ministry from moral failure is to humbly acknowledge “This could EASILY be me.”
Thought #2: “Affairs Are Always the FRUIT of Something Deeper”
Affairs don’t produce unhealthy marriages.
Unhealthy marriages typically produce affairs.
(This is a general rule of thumb. I’ve seen exceptions.)
Therefore, a very public moral failure begs us to ask the question: “Are there patterns of dysfunction or pockets of unhealthy behavior that will eventually lead me down the path of moral failure?”
Affairs don’t “just happen”
Beneath the surface of any affair I’m assuring you that you will find one or even several of the following elements:
Months or years of burnout and extreme fatigue
A pastor who refused to go to counseling
A couple who went to counseling but refused to be honest
A marriage that has lacked intimacy for months or even years
A marriage that has lacked fun and adventure for months or even years
A spouse that used work/ministry as an escape from home drama
A spouse that feels misunderstood or unheard
A spouse that has fallen into a habit of keeping secrets
A marriage where love languages are not learned or spoken regularly
This list could go on and on and actually furthers my first point: “This could EASILY be me”
So often when there’s infidelity in marriage people tend to overemphasize the role of sex or physical attraction. People say things like: “She’s not even prettier than his wife.” Comments like that suggest that sex and sexual activity is rational and logical. Actually, sex is deeply emotional and if a marriage lacks emotional health and safety, some kind of affair is almost inevitable.
People also say things like: “Clearly they weren’t having enough sex”
The problem with that statement is that sex is the product/fruit of an incredible marriage and an incredible marriage is marked by emotional safety and intimacy.
I’ll say it in more simple terms: Most people don’t want to have sex with people that trigger their insecurities, anger them, or are emotionally distant or even manipulative.
Whenever a married couple isn’t having sex we must ask WHY. If you’re married and you and your spouse aren’t having sex you need to find out WHY and you need to find out FAST or else you’re at risk of breaking your covenant vows. You are either personally at risk or you are placing your spouse at risk… either way the situation isn’t God’s ideal and you have to find a way to create a relationship where both parties are regularly enjoying God’s gift of sex.
Thought #3 “People Who Cheat Are Neither Villains nor Victims”
So often we villainize pastors who are caught in adulterous relationships. However, it's very difficult to learn anything from a villain. People rarely see themselves when they look at villains. Villains are malicious and I personally don’t know of any pastors who are maliciously trying to ruin their families and their ministries. These people aren’t villains.
But neither are they victims and lots of pastors play the victim card when their sin gets exposed. Here are two pointers for every pastor out there…
First, don’t make yourself the hero now. Typically people villainize those who propped themselves up as the heroes. Don’t build the ministry or the church around your gifts and strengths. That leads to burnout, resentment, and if you ever fail morally you will immediately move from hero to villain.
For some reason… pastors who see themselves as “heroes” tend to create organizations that can’t tell them “NO” and you need people around who aren’t scared to say “NO” to you. Pastors need peers and friends and healthy relationships. Pastors who don’t have friends tend to turn their “sheep” into their friends and boundaries get crossed and dysfunction results.
Hero mentality produces scenarios where moral failure is easy to get away with.
Jesus is the hero. You are the pastor. Let’s work hard not to blur those lines.
Second, practice taking responsibility for your actions NOW. Don’t play the victim card NOW. Victims tend to feel justified in their actions.
Victims do things like list off the things they did for their church.
Victims remind everyone of all the sacrifices they made for the ministry.
Victim mentality produces scenarios where moral failure feels justified and even earned as a reward for being overworked. That is the web of lies the Enemy spins for those who see themselves as victims.
What every victim-pastor needs to be reminded of… is that YOU allowed that congregation to overwork you and that YOU made the conscious decision to be a people pleaser and YOU decided to make all those sacrifices. Therefore YOU cannot blame anyone because leaders are responsible for boundaries not followers.
Peace,
Manny